Air bags.
How the hell did the FAA decide THAT one was OK? I mean you're driving down the road and suddenly one of those damned toupee possums jumps out in front of your car and WHAM, the air bag goes off POW right in your face! No real damage, but how the hell are you supposed to control the car now both your front tires are flat?
Friday, May 6, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Great Geek Conspiracy
When was the last time your computer ran smoothly for a month? No, strike that, when was the last time your computer ran smoothly for a week? In fact, have you ever gone to work and not had some networking issue or software compatibility issue?
Of course you haven't. Because that's just as likely as you actually being the 1,000,000th visitor and actually winning that iPad.
That's because of the Great Geek Conspiracy.
Who doesn't hate Bill Gates? Anyone? Microsoft? Anyone out there who doesn't soundly curse their name on a regular basis? But really, they're just the tip of the iceburg. The real conspiracy comes in the little things.
The time card program that only works with a specific iteration of Internet Explorer.
Adobe Flash updating every 25 minutes.
Your printer than refuses to work with your new computer.
The new television that has more ports than your first computer, and not a one of them matches a cable in your existing entertainment center.
The fact that your toaster has more processing power than the computer used to break the Enigma codes in WWII yet cannot make toast that isn't burned on one side.
That's right, it's not just you. All these things are signs of the geek conspiracy.
Paul Allen, Steve Wozniak, and those bastards at Adobe? They are totally out to get you.
Every time your computer randomly reboots, every time an update sticks more icons on your desktop, every time your browser inexplicably pops up a porn site when your mother-in-law sits down at your computer to check her e-mail?
That's all part of the plan.
All those curse words you spew out? That's one more sliver of your soul flitting straight to Redmond, WA.
Every time you click "I agree" without bothering to read the seventy screens of text in eight point font, that's a bit of your soul bartered away to help build Steve Job's skating rink in Hell.
Think about it. Do you think a mere mortal could sell you a iPhone for 500% what it's worth and have you standing in line in the rain for the next version, even though the last one wouldn't actually, you know, make a phone call that lasted more then half a minute before inexplicably hanging up?
Of course not. Your computer, your phone, your toaster are all part of a diabolical plot to create a level of unhappiness and anger normally seen only on the D.C. beltway during freak snowfall at 5PM at the start of a three day weekend.
I suppose now you want to know how to combat these evil and to escape the computer overlords?
Too bad. You can't.
Best you can do is make sacrifices to your local computer gods.
I suggest donuts.
Of course you haven't. Because that's just as likely as you actually being the 1,000,000th visitor and actually winning that iPad.
That's because of the Great Geek Conspiracy.
Who doesn't hate Bill Gates? Anyone? Microsoft? Anyone out there who doesn't soundly curse their name on a regular basis? But really, they're just the tip of the iceburg. The real conspiracy comes in the little things.
The time card program that only works with a specific iteration of Internet Explorer.
Adobe Flash updating every 25 minutes.
Your printer than refuses to work with your new computer.
The new television that has more ports than your first computer, and not a one of them matches a cable in your existing entertainment center.
The fact that your toaster has more processing power than the computer used to break the Enigma codes in WWII yet cannot make toast that isn't burned on one side.
That's right, it's not just you. All these things are signs of the geek conspiracy.
Paul Allen, Steve Wozniak, and those bastards at Adobe? They are totally out to get you.
Every time your computer randomly reboots, every time an update sticks more icons on your desktop, every time your browser inexplicably pops up a porn site when your mother-in-law sits down at your computer to check her e-mail?
That's all part of the plan.
All those curse words you spew out? That's one more sliver of your soul flitting straight to Redmond, WA.
Every time you click "I agree" without bothering to read the seventy screens of text in eight point font, that's a bit of your soul bartered away to help build Steve Job's skating rink in Hell.
Think about it. Do you think a mere mortal could sell you a iPhone for 500% what it's worth and have you standing in line in the rain for the next version, even though the last one wouldn't actually, you know, make a phone call that lasted more then half a minute before inexplicably hanging up?
Of course not. Your computer, your phone, your toaster are all part of a diabolical plot to create a level of unhappiness and anger normally seen only on the D.C. beltway during freak snowfall at 5PM at the start of a three day weekend.
I suppose now you want to know how to combat these evil and to escape the computer overlords?
Too bad. You can't.
Best you can do is make sacrifices to your local computer gods.
I suggest donuts.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Odrama Bin Ladin
THE MEDIA SAYS:
"Bin Laden was killed in a military operation in Pakistan that U.S. President Barack Obama ordered today, Obama said.
Obama said he was told last August that the United States had developed a possible lead on bin Laden - intelligence on bin Laden hiding in a compound in Pakistan. Obama said he determined last week that the United States had actionable intelligence.
Today at my direction, the United States directed a targeted operation against that compound," Obama said.
Bin Laden was killed after a firefight, and forces took custody of his body, the president said. No Americans were harmed, Obama said."
MAIN STREAM CONSPIRACY THEORISTS SAY:
"Although Osama Bin Laden's death is being celebrated today, the announcement is about 6 1/2 years late. I remember when Bin Laden died and today is not the day. [snip]Shot??? Yeah!! after he had been captured 6 1/2 years ago. If I had known that they would cover up the real announcement 6 1/2 years ago, after they said he had been CAPTURED. I would have saved it. It was in the morning and covered up by noon. Not a word about the mission, no word they thought they had him but it was someone else, there was no announcement of taliban leaders being killed, no announcement they got taliban fighters. No announcement the mistakenly got civilians. The mission completely disappeared. [snip] I said that Obama would pull something out of his hat in the middle east just in the nick of time. Unthawing Bin Laden after he has been replaced by a live guy most likly our guy ,is the right time. Won't hurt the polesand the fall election either. Got the news away for Trump and his birth record."
THE REAL TRUTH:
Back in 2004, during a Secret Military Mission by a Black Ops cooperative effort by the CIA and US military, Osama Bin Laden was captured by Navy SEALs and replaced with a look-alike clone who had been raised in secret by the CIA and trained to pass as Bin Laden. The mission code name was: Desert Smoke and Mirrors. George W. Bush put him in place to feed information to the White House about Al Quaida and keep America safe from Terrorists. When the administration changed, Obama started using the information to let through some of the Most Ridiculous Terrorist plots (Explosive Underpants anyone?) in order to put through Draconian security measures with the FAA. It's all a plot for him to get naked pictures of every American to be used for Blackmail during the next elections. When Trump started rattling Obama's plans, he carried out this diversion to derail Trump, who is Very Close to the Truth (Obama wasn't born in Yemen, he is a infiltrator from Alpha Centauri!). Think it was a coincidence this came so soon after Trump forced Obama to create a fake birth certificate?
As you can see, the conspiracy theorists were on the right track. They just didn't take it far enough.
"Bin Laden was killed in a military operation in Pakistan that U.S. President Barack Obama ordered today, Obama said.
Obama said he was told last August that the United States had developed a possible lead on bin Laden - intelligence on bin Laden hiding in a compound in Pakistan. Obama said he determined last week that the United States had actionable intelligence.
Today at my direction, the United States directed a targeted operation against that compound," Obama said.
Bin Laden was killed after a firefight, and forces took custody of his body, the president said. No Americans were harmed, Obama said."
MAIN STREAM CONSPIRACY THEORISTS SAY:
"Although Osama Bin Laden's death is being celebrated today, the announcement is about 6 1/2 years late. I remember when Bin Laden died and today is not the day. [snip]Shot??? Yeah!! after he had been captured 6 1/2 years ago. If I had known that they would cover up the real announcement 6 1/2 years ago, after they said he had been CAPTURED. I would have saved it. It was in the morning and covered up by noon. Not a word about the mission, no word they thought they had him but it was someone else, there was no announcement of taliban leaders being killed, no announcement they got taliban fighters. No announcement the mistakenly got civilians. The mission completely disappeared. [snip] I said that Obama would pull something out of his hat in the middle east just in the nick of time. Unthawing Bin Laden after he has been replaced by a live guy most likly our guy ,is the right time. Won't hurt the polesand the fall election either. Got the news away for Trump and his birth record."
THE REAL TRUTH:
Back in 2004, during a Secret Military Mission by a Black Ops cooperative effort by the CIA and US military, Osama Bin Laden was captured by Navy SEALs and replaced with a look-alike clone who had been raised in secret by the CIA and trained to pass as Bin Laden. The mission code name was: Desert Smoke and Mirrors. George W. Bush put him in place to feed information to the White House about Al Quaida and keep America safe from Terrorists. When the administration changed, Obama started using the information to let through some of the Most Ridiculous Terrorist plots (Explosive Underpants anyone?) in order to put through Draconian security measures with the FAA. It's all a plot for him to get naked pictures of every American to be used for Blackmail during the next elections. When Trump started rattling Obama's plans, he carried out this diversion to derail Trump, who is Very Close to the Truth (Obama wasn't born in Yemen, he is a infiltrator from Alpha Centauri!). Think it was a coincidence this came so soon after Trump forced Obama to create a fake birth certificate?
As you can see, the conspiracy theorists were on the right track. They just didn't take it far enough.
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